WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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