Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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