We need to rekindle our bromance
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
