Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
