My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
