I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
