im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
