yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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