He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I checked into jail on foursquare
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
