yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
