he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
