ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
