I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
