also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
