it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
