I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
