The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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