My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
