he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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