i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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