well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize