very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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