Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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