I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
