Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
