I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
