the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
