He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
