Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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