Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
