I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
