I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
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