just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
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