Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
