god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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