I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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