Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
