I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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