Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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