Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
