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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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