Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
