i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Is it penis luge time yet?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
