Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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