My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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