Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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