So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
