my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
