I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I did not marry a roomba.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
