I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
