Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
