Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
