there's paper in my vomit.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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