i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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