maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
