Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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