I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
