I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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