Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
