Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
