P.S. I can't hear my feet
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
